Streaming: Becoming Your Own Worst Enemy
Streaming, what started out well over a decade ago as something only thought about as people wanting to play games in front of an audience change into a platform where you can watch a podcast recording in real time, people driving cross country or just watching videos with an audience. It's what got my attention, it's what got me from watching a streamer a former partner of mine enjoyed to thinking to myself "Hey, I could do that,"
So I did.
Late 2016 I gave it a go using Twitch. At the time, I didn't have a computer worth a damn to stream from and discovered I could stream directly off my Xbox One console. Now, my main game of choice at the time was Forza Motorsport 6. I got my channel going with Forza and from my first blog post, I already had some history with the franchise. It was something I always booted up whenever I was on the Xbox. It was also a huge meme (and still is) that public lobbies on a Forza Motorsport game from the 5th game onwards were horrifically bad. So seeing my suffering in a public lobby as entertainment drew a lot of curious eyes to my new channel. I even would often say, "My pain is your entertainment!"
My time on Twitch was short, as Microsoft acquired a streaming platform by the name of Beam. But people know the platform by the name it was changed to, Mixer. Microsoft basically built it into the Xbox One's OS after a major update, making streaming from your console super easy. The downside to this, no overlay. But with a chatbox overlay right on my TV, it made chat interaction easy. Beam/Mixer also had lightning fast latency so holding conversations felt a lot easier than on Twitch, which was often 20 to 30 seconds of delay. But I advertised my streams anywhere I was active. facebook, twitter, some discord servers, I always liked putting up posts showing I went live.
From winter 2016 all the way to December 2019 I stayed on the Mixer platform. While I had fun, learned a lot, the community I grew there was small. I never made enough followers to get partnered and never broke 1K followers even. But it helped me get on the ground running when I went back to Twitch right before the end of 2019. Coupled with getting a new computer setup and capture card for the holidays, the second story arc of my streaming hobby was underway.
Streaming During a Pandemic
2020 was... yeah. Worst part of it all, I worked through it all. My work schedule did not change, in fact I actually had to work more. But, amidst all this I was using my stream channel as an outlet to forget about it all. Because so many were home, out of work, out of school/college/university, my channel boomed with activity. I played what I wanted, I did the usual Forza shenanigans, but I had new things to stream. I was now streaming old Playstation games. Most importantly, I was streaming Gran Turismo 1 & 2. The two racing games that got me started on racing games to begin with, except now I was reliving these games of my childhood with an audience. Recalling my own automotive knowledge about 90's Japanese cars, motorsport, memories I had about playing the game back when it was new, it was just a rush.
My community exploded during 2020. My discord server grew in size as well, lots of new faces mingling with the long time friends of mine and the community. Despite how bad the world felt outside of my apartment, the channel and community server felt like my escape from it all. I jumped around from other types of racing games, from retro to current day. I did playthroughs of Gran Turismo 1 & 2, obscure games like Felony 11-79, photography streams on Forza Horizon 4, having my viewers play along with me in Wreckfest, there was a lot to do and nothing was feeling repetitive everything I did seemed to garner a lot of attention from the regulars and new folks.
As the year went on, my personal life behind the channel was getting rocky when the holidays came around. Without going into the gritty details (and to be honest, I really do not want to.) my partner and I got into a spat when her holiday gifts got lost in the mail. January 2021 barely got started when the rug of life was ripped out from under me. My partner ended things with me, only giving me a month to find my own place and move out. But the community I built up, the friends I made over the years, they wanted to help. It was crushing having to tell the news about what happened, the community was used to hearing her in the background and occasionally hear her talk to me and chat. But now, that was gone and the place I called home for five years was going away.
I never expected help, I never expected a penny. But coupled with only a month to find a place, move out and find basic furniture, I felt super overwhelmed. My friends and community pitched in and if I'm being totally honest they were the main reason why I pushed myself to find a place and move on with the next chapter of my life. Because of their help, I was able to secure the place I currently live at and get it furnished. I'm forever grateful for the community I have, though having help like that during such a heavy time in my life was still difficult. But fast forward to the end of February 2021, I was in my new place and trying to get settled in. I didn't stream for a week after moving in, my anxiety and nerves were just too much.
Streaming For Side Income
Once I got going again, it felt like before. A fun hobby that was an escape from the daily grind of my day job. But now living alone and without anybody else to worry about by myself, I found myself more focused on what I would do for a stream, how long would it be, heck not even worrying about laughing and enjoying myself. I continued with Forza things of course, but around this time I was doing VRChat now. While as much fun as they were, wearing the headset, the controllers, all while managing OBS via a virtual interface of my desktop and hoping my computer wouldn't max out it's VRAM did get nerveracking. But VRChat certainly did make streaming interesting and different. But as the year went on, I still juggled Forza with other games but I was finding other games to throw in the mix.
All the while, I was making a nice extra bit of cash every month from the channel. Not enough to consider it as income to live off of, but enough to help out with bills the week I got my payout. But as 2021 wound down, so did the activity with my channel. I always ended streams with raiding other friends of mine in the streaming community and sharing my community with theirs. But by the end of the year, I started to notice some regulars just sticking around the channels I raided prior.
Feeling Like A Stopgap And In The Shadows Of Others
2022 to 2024 felt like a blur. I streamed on average 3-4 days a week, though that changed to 3 days a week. Prior to this, I would stream sometimes 5 or even 6 days a week. I was feeling the burnout, but I was also feeling like my channel, my style of streaming and what I enjoyed doing was boring to regulars and the newer folks that had found me. I watched the steady decline of interest and activity of my channel helplessly plummet as time went on. My friends were of course supportive and gave advice, I appreciated that. But there was no changing how I was watching regulars just watching other people instead now.
It became frustrating, I got spoiled by the huge activity from 2020 and 2021, I got used to having an active chat to be engaged with. Now I was seeing large gaps in anything with my chat, sometimes seeing 30 to 40 minutes pass by and zero activity in my chat. By this time I kept my viewer count hidden to keep myself from having too much anxiety but seeing nobody want to talk to me was just as bad. The feeling of not being interesting frustrated me, the games ended up frustrating me and the one thing I never wanted to be while streaming was happening more frequently now: getting upset.
After the 1st week of July this year I called a hiatus on my channel. I'm nearly into the 4th month of my hiatus from streaming, the feeling of wanting to come back keeps lingering but also the frustration of not being interesting or fun anymore hangs over me greatly. Just this unspoken feeling of people not wanting to watch but won't simply say they don't find me interesting anymore is a strange and awful feeling for sure. I just don't know when I'll be back or if anybody will genuinely care if I get back into it. I'm at a crossroads I suppose, who knows if my channel will continue. Maybe it will, maybe it won't.
Was I having fun? Genuinely, yes. I love entertaining my friends and followers of the channel. I like making others smile, laugh, help them forget how bad things are for awhile. But I also enjoy the interactions, I enjoy the conversations. I like knowing there's people not just listening, but actively wanting to listen, talk back and be engaging. Talking into a void, it feels empty. Feeling left behind after sharing my community with other streamers is a dreary feeling, especially when you would raid somebody you've been supporting for a long time and you end up seeing people who used to be regulars in your channel now staying put elsewhere, when you haven't seen them in months. Who knows when I'll be back, if people even will come back and actually stick around. Time will tell.
Until then, see ya next time.