Friends
Friends. More than just acquaintances but people in your life that you know you can regularly talk to and rely on. Sometimes they're far off and sometimes they're just down the block. But they are still friends, right?
When it comes down to it, people are finicky creatures. We all have our strange mannerisms and idiosyncrasies. Sometimes bad habits. Maybe something you keep hidden away or maybe something you talk about. But friend groups can develop their own norms. Maybe even have some that are just non verbal and rely on visual cues. Maybe friend groups just develop their own secret ways to passively communicate and keep certain people out of the loop. Or maybe it's just all in your head.
I have large online social friend groups and have had some of them for years. A handful are past a decade old. But local friends? I can't say I have a lot. My online presence would make others get the feeling that I'm pretty outgoing and a social butterfly. I can be like that but only when I really feel like I can spread my wings. But most of the time I clam up and keep to myself.
Why?
Growing up throughout my school days and high school days I have memories of peers telling me that I was too loud, annoying, constantly talking about things they either knew nothing about or simply did not care whatsoever. Factor in my parents raising me to be quiet most of the time and not make a scene or talk excessively and I feel stuck in this strange, cramped mental space of wanting socialization but only when prompted and confirmed I can talk.
This is worsened around people I do not know in person. The memories of people telling me to shut up, go away and that "nobody cares, dude," always surface every time I want to make a move and chat with somebody at a gathering or event. Growing up autistic and being raised and treated this way stays with you for decades and long after the faces of those who were annoyed by you fade away into darkness. It hurts and ultimately hinders you from really getting outside of your comfort zone.
Just be direct with me, please.
Years ago when I still lived with my parents and the last couple of years of high school I had various friends that lived nearby. I'd bike ride to their places sometimes or I'd give a phone call asking for them. I often noticed as time went on my friends would tell me that they were busy more often than before but being a teenager I still would go out. Seeing my friends out at hangout spots after being told "sorry with family today" or similar excuses started to become more commonplace.
It's what started to make me scrutinize what was told to me and unfortunately would make me play out whole scenarios within my mind. Having a wildly vivid imagination is both a blessing and a curse, especially when you're an autistic teenager that just wanted to see their friends and patterns of avoidance start reoccurring.
When I got my driver's license I thought I could visit more of my friends. But what ended up happening was the bulk of my friends were far more social to me was because I had a car. But being so starved for friendships and wanting to socialize I blindly looked past the very obvious signs of simply being used for my car. The last year of high school was filled with "Hey can you drive us here?" after school got out and unfortunately for me I never caught on to my presence being convenient and not out of socializing.
My memories of many of those trips around various towns was mostly between friends with themselves in my car and I kept quiet since I often didn't know what they were talking about. For being friends of mine I was really out of the loop on what they did outside of what they let me know. That is if they would let me know.
As I grew older and found other friend groups I kept noticing this pattern of myself feeling like some outsider that was let in out of pity. Or worse yet I was just something to laugh at behind my back. A lot of these friend groups I have memories of acting out, purposefully silly and wacky just to stand out. Be remembered. More often than not I made it worse. If I never contacted so many friends I made during the years it was as if I did not exist. Eventually you just give up and stop trying just to see if anybody remembered you.
Nobody ever did remember me.
I never knew their true thoughts because when I did feel the courage to just ask I was always met with answers that felt safe, not direct and mostly as a means to keep me quiet. It got old and I stopped trying.
Online Friends and Online Presence
In my mid 20's I started dating somebody that would end up being apart of my life for a decade. I still tried to socialize but not with much luck. My partner was very much secluded in socializing with friends and I noticed she paid a lot more attention to her online friends than local ones. It definitely rubbed off on me because during those years I ended up doing the same. I stopped dealing with the overly dramatic local car scene and outright stopped talking to many people I knew from car meets, high school and my college days.
My online presence did the opposite however. Around this time I befriended a good handful of people that I still talk to today and trust with my life. From social media, my start in streaming and poking around a lot in online furry queer spaces. The sort of mental blocks I felt when talking to people in person weren't felt when talking to people through social media, when I would stream or simple text messages. I had time to gather my thoughts and make responses without fumbling words, knowing what was going on or things like that. I had ample time to just think.
But then I got complacent with things. Issues developed with my partner. Bad issues. I will not delve into them here since it is still something I have issues dealing with over five years later but is not the focus of this particular topic that's more about friendships and socializing, less about relationships, romance and the trust that goes with that.
Ultimately my ex broke things off with me and it was jarring for me. I was only given a month to move out during the height of Covid and the last few weeks I spent in that apartment the more I realized my ex hid away so much of who she really was as a person and her moral compass from me. On top of the heartbreak I felt the cold knife of betrayal in my heart.
My online community because of my stream channel went above and beyond during that low time in my life. They pulled together and donated money to help me move into my new place and even give extra for new furniture. I had to start over and while I had so much support from my online spaces I had nobody with me outside of that to help me along. Feeling supported and cared for while still feeling all alone is something I do not wish upon anyone.
New home, new friends
A year after I was still trying to settle in my new place I started reaching out to make new friends. Recently at this time an app well known in the fandom as "Howlr" had just gotten sunset as the creator went on to other projects. The social app "Barq" seemingly filled the void Howlr left. It's also how I met my current local friend group that I am still close with. This is also what spurred this whole post today about friendships and socializing in the first place.
I have known these people for over four years now. I've talked a lot with all of them and even watched their dog for weekends many times. And yet I still get feelings of that I am kept only within arms reach for reasons. Like I'm a fair weather friend maybe. All my experiences from friends using me, mocking me, wanting me around just for my car or putting up with me because they pity me, all those feelings and experiences float around in my head when I feel like something is off and I am deliberately kept out of things.
The anxiety of feeling like I'm kept at an arm's reach because I am too loud, annoying, clingy even, all just rush back like nothing ever changed about me. Despite how connected we all are, it is still extremely simple to keep people out of the loop. My gut feeling from all those years ago coming back and my subconscious constantly telling me "Hey, see? Different people same shit, you moron,"
When you're told on multiple occasions that plans are cancelled and this never ending feeling of this phrase is nothing more than an easy cover to simply keep you away just fills your mind every time you see cancellations of plans to just hang out and not be alone. It sucks.
I can ask people to be more direct with me until I'm blue in the face but that will never happen. People are complex and all have anxieties and issues of their own. Maybe they all feel like I don't want to be around them. I don't know and honestly I'm just too mentally exhausted from work and life in general to pry and poke my nose where it probably doesn't belong.
These four walls of my room shouldn't be my only constant friend but sometimes it feels like they are.
Author's note:
Hey y'all I know it's been a long ass time since I posted on here but I will be posting a lot more since well, I gave up streaming and I miss writing on here.
Take care, see you next time. ~